Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
