I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize