I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm really busy with my period
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