so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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