im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
