Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
