Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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