Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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