need another drink. this is the easiest way
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
