When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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