I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
