Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
