woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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