Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
