i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize