FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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