Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
