new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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