I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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