Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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