This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
