I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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