Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
