Can Purell be used as lube?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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