So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
