the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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