I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
