So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
