Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
