when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
