You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
