She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
