i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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