grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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