Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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