I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
