Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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