Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
barbara walters just said penis...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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