She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
