Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
