I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
