After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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