I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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