Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize