walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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