Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im holly from the hills drunk
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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