It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize