im so drunk with asians
where?
always
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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