Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
