Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
