I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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