I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
