My friends, they love my intelligence
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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