Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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