Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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