dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize