did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He has the fingertips of a God
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
