Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
