Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
